The word how is defined as a method or means of achieving something. The “How” always starts in the mind and is worked out in our actions. When learning to do a task, we take in knowledge, our brain assimilates it, and then our body takes action. There must be information taken in before there can be output. If we want the output to be correct, we must take the information from the right source. In the case of training children, our source is the Bible. God’s word will give you direction in every area, either by direct command or by biblical principle.
Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
As I said in the ” What ” of training, we as parents are always training either intentionally or unintentionally. The command in Proverbs 22:6 is to be intentional. If we are unintentional in teaching them the Bible, we are teaching them that the Bible is not our highest authority. We need to read the Bible to them, and they need to see us reading it. You can say the word of God is your guide, but if they never see you reading the Bible or studying to gain direction for your life, your words are negated by your actions.
The most important thing we can teach our children is how to come to Christ. The how of this does not start when they are 6,10, or whatever age you choose. It starts when they are an infant. You teach them there is an authority they must yield to, and at that point, you are their sole authority. How do we do this? We don’t bend and jump at their every whim. Whatever the behavior we are seeking, we must work consistently toward that goal. The key is consistency. Most of the time, the problem in training our children is not the child; it’s us. We, because of our own feelings, give in to their wants, because it’s easier, but in the long run, we are making it harder for them later.
The how of obedience requires consequences and boundaries. Every child is different. Some are very strong-willed, and others are compliant. Both of mine were strong-willed children, but with some wisdom from God’s word, and reiteration of that wisdom from others, their will was conquered, and they became obedient children. There were days when all I felt like I did was spank my oldest. A word of caution here: never spank for accidents. Spank for willful disobedience. For instance, if a child spills his milk because he didn’t hold it right or set it in the right place, it’s an accident. However, if you have taught him to place his milk at a certain spot on the table and he refuses, and the milk is turned over, that is willful disobedience, and punishment must happen. Your punishment may be something as simple as not giving him more milk. Whatever you determine will get your child’s attention and change the behavior, should be your course of action. It’s not easy, but it is rewarding when they learn to obey.
Sometimes we give children mixed messages because we are inconsistent. We set boundaries, and when they cross them, we just move the boundary. If you don’t intend to keep the fence in place, don’t put it up. A well-known Christian psychologist, Dr. James Dobson, says that when children keep disobeying, they are trying to find their boundaries. If the boundaries move, they were not really boundaries. Children whose boundaries move become insecure children who grow into insecure adults. If telling a child not to do something does not work, you must go to the next level. It may be something as simple as putting a toddler in their bed. If they continue to scream and seek their own will, a spanking may be necessary. With a strong-willed child, it may take more negative feedback to change their desires. When the punishment is greater than the pleasure they gain from the infraction, their will will break, and you will succeed in that particular training. As we train them to obey, we are setting them up for success in life, but more importantly, we are setting them up for success in their relationship with Christ.
When training a child, we do not need to explain why we want them to do something. When we constantly tell them all the reasons, we make it harder for them to accept the life situations God has put in their path. God doesn’t give us an explanation for all he expects of us, nor are we able to bargain with Him. Children should never feel that you owe them an explanation for obedience to occur. Most of the time, when a child is asking “why,” it’s because they want to change your mind, not because they don’t understand. They just don’t agree with you.
There will be many times in life where God expects us to do something, but we don’t understand why. He wants us to trust Him.
Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.”
A life that completely trusts God is a life filled with peace and hope. It’s a life that knows God loves them and wants what is ultimately best for them. With this knowledge, they are willing and anxious to obey. This person understands that God’s wisdom and knowledge are beyond their comprehension, and they trust it.
Romans 11:33 “O the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! how unsearchable are his judgments, and his ways past finding out!”
The path to this adult lifestyle begins with the parents lovingly training their children. The path includes setting boundaries that are not moved, being consistent with their own behavior as a Christian, and by teaching that God’s word is our authority for everything in life. By living our own lives this way, we are intentionally and unintentionally teaching truths they will not forget.
